Theresa’s Trouble in Tory Town

The following story is purely fictional and is written for my own personal fun. No malicious intent is intended.

Theresa’s Trouble in Tory Town

“… and that is why the Member for Islington North was left naked and alone!” Theresa said, recounting the time during her youth as a naughty girl, when she had left her old mate Corbyn to elope with the much younger and sexier Ed Milliband in the farmers’ wheat fields.

The House of Commons erupted into a thunderous applause. Even Corbyn couldn’t help but force a smile and a clap, as he too appreciated Ed Milliband’s pure sex appeal.

But underneath the smiles and dreams of Milliband was a Westminster bitterly divided. There were those who followed Theresa and her hardline Brexit stance, which would enable the UK to leave Europe and thus keep Ed Milliband solely to the citizens of the United Kingdom. Directly opposed to this was Corbyn and his associates, who insisted that Ed Milliband’s beauty should be shared with the world. The parliament was almost as hung as Milliband himself.

When the applause died down, Theresa continued, “It is with great regret that we cannot and will not ever agree on the best course of action for the Member for Doncaster North, our beloved Millibae. As such, I will be calling a snap election to decide the matter. One way or the other.”

Murmurs of disappointment quickly spread throughout the house. Theresa opened her mouth to continue-


A loud explosion rippled through parliament, throwing some members back and making the rest duck for cover. Some attempted to break for the exits but to their dismay the doors had been locked from the outside.

Through the chaos and carnage someone was shouting, “It’s the Queen! I swear to god it’s Her Majesty!”

The mouth of every parliamentarian almost hit the floor. As the smoke cleared, Queen Elizabeth herself flew through the new hole in the roof that the explosion had created, with the solid gold Crown Jetpack fitted snuggly to her back.

“WHATS UP, BITCHES?” she proclaimed in her soft, dainty British accent. “As the head of the Church, I have been personally ordered, by God, to let you know that Ed Milliband is the sexiest man on Earth. Also Ed Milliband is God.”

There was only one facial expression on all the members: shock.

Queen Lizzy continued, “Also, since you are all useless I have decreed that I will be the new Prime Minister, and the House of Commons will consist entirely of Lizzy’s Boiiiiiz.”

“But what about the Magna Carta?” one brave member called out.

“SILENCE!” Lizzy screamed, vaporizing the member with lightning from her fingertips. She was also wearing a mech suit that allowed her to shoot lightning from her fingertips. “Do you mean this?” she snarkily replied to the ashes of the member, as she rolled up marijuana in the Magna Carter and used it as a giant blunt.

“We will no longer be discussing Brexit. Now we shall only discuss Eurexit.” She inhaled a big breath of the Magna Carter. “As of today, Europe will be leaving Europe to join the United Kingdom. Every country on Earth has pledged its allegiance to the United Kingdom, and to our lord and saviour Ed Milliband.”

“GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!” the members of parliament began to chant. The sexual power of one very sexy man, Ed Milliband, had solved all global crises and created a truly United Kingdom.


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