Danger 5: Who’s Your Fuhrer?

The following story is purely fictional, unofficial and written for my own personal fun. No maliciousness is intended.

Danger 5: Who’s Your Fuhrer?

“SHUT UP CLAIRE!” Colonel Chestbridge screamed as he glared at the Danger 5 team from across the room. He was beginning to lose patience with his team of expert spies. “As I was saying, we have located a Nazi bunker in the forests of Canada. Hitler has cut off our supply of maple syrup, and is using Nazi Science to transform Canadians into Nazis. I’ll be damned if I have to go another morning without maple syrup on my goddamn pancakes.”

“But more importantly we need to save the Canadian people, right?” Claire chimed in with her usual haughty tone.

“Oh… yes… I guess that too. But don’t you dare come back without my syrup. You are to use this weapon developed by the French, which will allow you to convert any CaNazis you find back to their friendly, apologizing selves.”

“Блинчики для слабаков” Ilsa chimed in with her thick Russian accent. (Pancake toppings are for weaklings)

“Yes Ilsa, Nazis are evil” Chestbridge emphasized, clearly not understanding a single word that came out of her lips. Ilsa rolled her eyes. “Your mission: destroy the bunker and save Canada from Nazi invasion. And as always, kill Hitler!”

Somewhere, in the Canadian forest… 

“Okay team,” Tucker whispered, “I’ve spotted two CaNazi guards at the entrance to the bunkers. Ilsa, Claire, you distract them. I’ll sneak up behind them and grab them. Pierre and Jackson, use the French weapon to convert them back into Canadians. Got it?”

“How are we supposed to distract them?” Claire asked.

“Do I have to bloody well do everything?” Tucker retorted. “Use your womanly charms and use the call-sign so we know when to come in.”

Claire was unimpressed, but together with Ilsa snuck forward to the bunker. As the minutes passed the remaining Danger 5 team heard loud crashing noises, as well as loud screaming.

“They sound like they are fighting the CaNazis! Should we help them, my friend?” Pierre said, realizing he had not spoken a word yet up until this point.

“Negative Pierre. Wait for the call sign.” Tucker was confident in his team.  After what seemed like an eternity, the call sign was heard; a moo from Claire. It was eerily realistic.

Tucker burst into the open only to find the CaNazi guards already tied up, with Ilsa buttoning up her shirt. “Dammit Ilsa, I said distract the guards, not to… well… sex them into submission!” Tucker exclaimed. “And Claire… to think you allowed this to happen!”  Tucker was disgusted.

Ilsa smirked and gave a little shrug. “Let’s try this bad-boy out!” Jackson said excitedly as he pointed the transformation gun at the CaNazis. “Pierre, what do the instructions say?”

One shot whiskey… one shot maple syrup… fill with beer and crushed ice,” Pierre read aloud slowly. “The perfect Canadian Moose.”  

“That sounds delicious Pierre. I’ll take three.” Jackson replied as Pierre pulled the drinks out of seemingly nowhere. “Although it doesn’t help me use this gun.”

“Oh… yes… umm… Point the device towards your target and pull the trigger. Make sure…

“Great thanks Pierre!” Jackson interrupted, pulling the trigger. The CaNazi began flailing wildly as the beam of light from the gun entered his brain. The CaNazi started becoming more grisly and muscular, until a point where he was able to overpower his restraints and picked Tucker and Claire up by the neck. A fur coat and a hammer and sickle-badged hat had appeared on him. He screamed, “Вы умрете американскими собаками!” (You will die American dogs!)

Pierre yelled, “Jackson! You didn’t let me finish! The instructions said you must change the dial to the nationality required!”

“Oh shit…” Jackson replied. “This goddamn piece of junk has only French labels on it! I’ll never find the right setting.” Ilsa giggled and coolly said, “Я обработаю это” (I’ll handle this).

She pulled out two shot glasses, a table, and several bottles of vodka. The giant CaRussian could not resist the allure of a drinking challenge and immediately dropped the Danger 5 members. He walked up to Ilsa, grabbed a bottle of vodka and sculled half the bottle. Ilsa laughed, almost cackling, as she began to scull four bottles at once. She somehow continued to laugh and drink simultaneously until all the bottles were empty, at which point she burped flames in the CaRussian’s face.

The CaRussian replied “Я провал” (I am a failure), before walking up to Tucker, grabbing the gun, changing the setting to Canadian, and shooting himself. “Ohh yaaa okay den. Soorry for tha trouble eh. I’ll unlock da dorrrr for you,” he said in a thick Canadian accent, getting out of Danger 5’s way.

Danger 5 quickly swept the bunker, rounded up any CaNazi’s and turned them back into regular Canadians. There was only one room remaining and they still had not located the stolen maple syrup. They kicked in the final door and were shocked to find the Fuhrer himself sitting at a large desk, watching videos of adorable kittens on the internet. “Mein Gott!” he exclaimed, letting out a sensible chuckle as he watched an Aryan kitten attack another kitten. On his notepad in large letters he had written and circled “Nazi Cat Soldiers?”

“Freeze, Fur-hrer!” Tucker yelled at Hitler, who immediately threw his hands in the air. “Show us where the maple syrup is and I won’t get Fur-ious.” Everyone in the team gave a sensible chuckle.

Jackson joined in on the pun session, “Yeah…. show us or you’ll… ummm.. I’ll… well… MR. MEOWGI I MISS YOU SO MUCH!” He broke down into tears, and the spirit of Mr. Meowgi appeared and recited an extremely poetic haiku, which was so relaxing that Jackson was seemingly hypnotized. The rest of Danger 5 saw Jackson staring into space and were slightly confused.

“Wait… I am not even the real Hitler!” Hitler said, tearing a fake Hitler moustache off his face. “I am just a body double, but I can show you where he hid the maple syrup!”

The team were slightly disappointed that they weren’t able to kill Hitler, but took slight comfort in the fact that they would achieve their primary mission of recovering the Maple syrup.  Definitely-Not-Hitler moved to the back of the room and at the bookcase pulled on a book titled “Fantastic Books and Where to Burn Them by J.K. Fuhrer”.

A secret door in the bookcase swung open and Definitely-Not-Hitler motioned Danger 5 inside, where they found several large sacks with ‘MAPLE SYRUP’ hastily scrawled on the sacks. “Thanks Definitely-Not-Hitler,” Jackson said, as he pulled a knife out of his crotch and used it to cut open one of the bags. “Wait a minute… this isn’t maple syrup… it’s damned golden syrup!”

Danger 5 turned around to the sound of Definitely-Not-Hitler laughing. “Amerikanische dummköpfe!“ (American fools!) Definitely-Not-Hitler shouted, “Ich bin der wahre Fuhrer“ (I am the true Hitler!) as he ripped off his fake no-moustache to reveal a real moustache underneath.

Danger 5 pulled out their guns and began firing erratically at Hitler, who ran and jumped out a familiar window to escape. The team were dissapointed – they had been fooled by Hitler again. They destroyed the bunker and all the golden syrup inside.

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